Heartsick

[Heartsick is my way of acknowledging the part I played in making the relationship unsteady. You know, “Hurt people hurt people.” I had a reckless and self-destructive streak around the time the relationship started and didn’t start to unravel the mess until we had already been dating a while.]

i was feelin heartsick
caught up in a spiral
couldn’t find a way to stop it
didn’t realize that i started being toxic
i didn’t mean to make you feel like you was just an option
like why’d i fall in love with you

you, you, oh ay oh
with you, you

like why’d i fall in love with you
you, you, oh ay oh
with you, you

like why’d i fall in love with you 

[When I say “Why’d I fall in love with you” here, I’m talking about her point of view (not mine) in two ways. It’s “Why did you (Kane) fall in love with me? It causes so much heartache.” and “I hate that I love you because now it’s all tangled”]

if i’m being honest
this song didn’t start as an apology
what i mean to say is
i was too offended by the fact that you was hard on me
you doubted me,
i threw it in your face [Yeah, you were right to doubt me sometimes]

i knew what i was doing
couldn’t count as honesty
but didn’t think you’d get anxiety
from thoughts of me
i wasn’t tryna bring you down
I was doin what I thought
would keep you around 

[I was thoughtless and dull at times, sneaky and dishonest at others. Instead of freely giving the truth, I’d make edits to manage her emotions preemptively. But that’s not fair. Now you’re in love with a curated image.]

[Honesty from the jump helps everyone know where they stand, I’ve learned.]

so

i think it’s nonsense 
when you call me heartless
or when you look past all the light
into the darkness
i really tried to do what’s right 
i think i got better with time
i’m good i hope you’re doing fine now 

[I’m still growing and learning; it’s a good feeling. I’d really rather not put another person in that position.]

but

i was feelin heartsick
caught up in a spiral
couldn’t find a way to stop it
didn’t realize that i started being toxic
i didn’t mean to make you feel like you was just an option
like why’d i fall in love with you

you, you, oh ay oh
with you, you

like why’d i fall in love with you
you, you, oh ay oh
with you, you

like why’d i fall in love with you 

[Until I was forced to reflect, I thought I was doing right by you (for the most part). At the end, you told me all kinds of things you’d bottled up and hadn’t mentioned. I realize now I had my own toxic bullshit to sort through, and regret you had to suffer through me figuring that shit out. You weren’t just an option to me.]